Feeling fat today :/ I know i have been recovered from the eating disorder for almost six months now. Finally off medication, and weight gained back. I was avoiding thinking too much about the weight gain in order to not freak myself out. But today was rough. All my clothes hurt to put on because of how tight they squeezed me.

I am considering getting back on a prescription of adderal so that I can get this weight under control. I still workout like crazy, and I eat healthy too, so WTF? ...The only thing is that I know if I get back on adderal, there is a good chance that I will become addicted and depressed from the crashes again. I just feel desperate I guess.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Kim Kardash Ass that came with a combo of the squats and weight gain... its just that I have more cellulite now, and my arms look fat to me, so I don't feel comfortable wearing sleeveless tops.

I wonder if I will ever feel satisfied in my body. I wonder if that why I only date black guys.
See, black dudes have always loved my body type: I have a "phat" booty, long legs, a pretty torso covered in tats, perky-small tittes, almond eyes,  carmel skin and soft hair.

Black guys love my thickness and make me feel like a goddess in my body because they love curves and every jiggle that comes with it. On the other hand, I feel like white men are exposed to a different idea of female beauty that usually involves being stick thin and thigh-gappin.

Tonight after training at my new salon receptionist job, this black football player guy texted and asked if he could take me out to dinner. Usually I would just want to go home and get in pajamas after a long day, but I have no groceries at home and am sort of feeling in a "fuck it" mood today... so why the hell not??   - I let him take me.

We went to Outback Steakhouse. He plays semi-pro football for our state team, which is pretty cool because that means he could be picked up by the NFL at any time.
He is very well mannered: opened my doors, paid for everything even though I "offered," he ordered for me after I told him what i wanted from the menu. I love gentleman, I really do. But to be honest, I'm not that physically attracted to him, so I told him that I am a virgin and saving it for marriage (Which couldn't be further from the truth actually). I thought that this comment would make him run away, but it actually made him seem more interested in me. He's a church boy from New Orleans, so I guess I'm not too surprised.

I had sirloin steak with shrimp. Delicious. God, why do I love food so much?

I think I need help. I need to decide what I am going to do about my weight.
I'm laying in bed now and procrastinating doing my homework for college.

I'm staring across my room at my corset and it seems to be staring back at me. I feel obligated to wear it, like its the least amount of effort I should put in for my body today since I didn't work out AND I ate steak and fries. But I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to eat a roll of chocolate Rolos and watch a celebrity gossip youtube channel like the Wendy show or TMZ...

Didn't I already tell you I'm in a "fuck it" mood today?

I hope I can sleep tonight.